Evolution

Every species evolve to adapt to the ever changing harsh environment we are in, change is constant for survival, for sure. Looking back how the past few years had moulded me to become what or who I am today was a novel by itself and always bound to stir up an emotion or two.

Things change. Situations change. Bonds change.

Acceptance. The last, hardest and longest stage of the whole process. The stage that draws out denial from reality for good. That stage where you finally let it all go, the emotional burden that you had been carrying around. Sometimes I wonder, am I an emotional addict? Or am I just that afraid of what lies beyond this edge I've grown so comfortable to and still holding on to? "Indulging" myself with playbacks of those incidents like an old black and white video tape at the back of my head when the thought occurs, doesnt erase or take away the exact pain I had felt before. It is undeniable that things happened but to only accept & hope that things will get better from then on.

I had a combo-hit through those years.

Builds strength and character? I suppose it does. Part and parcle of life, of evolving emotionally and mentally, of growing up.

Its a phase, one that needs to be over and done with.

She just needs real love.

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Growing Up

just sudden random non-coherent thoughts of mine; the quarter life crisis?

I remembered how much I wanted to grow up when I was a little girl. While I was still in primary school, I'd always imagine how I would be like donning those turquoise coloured uniforms. When the time finally came, I then kept visualizing how my life would be once I'm 21 instead. 

4 years had passed since that "great" 21. nothing.happen. it didn't rain cotton candy nor did I wake up to a rainbow in the sky every morning. life was still the same, just tougher. much, tougher.

21 in turn marks the start of reality slapping me hard right in the face, tasting the bitterness to what we call, life.

how i missed those times when all we worry about is, homework and exams, or for me at least.

I'm already a quarter of a century old and if I had to sum up my life story till date, I'd have writer's block right at the title line. I just wish time stood still. So much so that there's enough time to soak up every little joyous moments of our lives. But hell, no. It's freaking me out how time is like on fast forward x2 speed.

Brother dearest once gave me a very mathematical explanation to it. 

"Time Speed" felt per year = 1 year / total years lived

Another additional year of our lives would just be a decreasing fraction of the time felt as years go by. Hitting that big 3 would just be like taking the 30 storey lift up to the rooftop - just a push of a button away. 

sigh.

I do wonder how things would be like if we all had made different choices.

First thing definitely, I'd imagine that we would have made it to the captain ball match all donned in red tops and black bottoms on that weekend. Half of us cheering our hearts out in full force while the other half of us roughed it out on the field like the teenagers we once were. that semester break would have been one of the best ones I might have had. would.have.been. :(

as much as I know there isn't a rewind button, can I bargain for a pause button then?

needs to rethink her choices.

keeping the distance

keeping distance from the distance which already separates the two entities.

it takes two to clap. you can only blame yourself for the wrong choices you make. if the left doesnt want to clap, it will never happen no matter how hard the right tries.

never let anyone close enough to break you.

no one left.

='(

what say you?

it's either i put it all behind me and settle for something i never picture myself in

or not settle for anything lesser because i don't deserve it.

someone just make a decision for me.

Cos I'm breaking

As much as you push yourself to be stronger than you actually are, it's still so hard to just cope with it all.

I just don't know where's the limit.

oh look! Mr Grim Reaper just passed smiling at me!

FML

stress die me.

i don't even know where to start.

i finish work everyday looking like an 18-wheeler just ran over my face at 200km/h (though in reality it is obviously impossible) but i feel and look that way, i just cannot help it.

worst of, being away from home and having no one to express to but this pathetic post is even more pathetic.

not forgetting that suddenly you realize you're not even worth doing charity for, that particular person would rather gamble, donate or use up an amount of money at least or even more than for what a two-way budget ticket would cost. mahai.

adding salt to the wound, you realize as you get older, it's always just a form of courtesy that people sympathize for you. they don't literally mean what they say. if it would had been a life and death situation, they probably would have to be sorry overlooking my face in the coffin, just not this time. not yet.

so, trying to get a grip on myself in coping on every aspects of my life ('cept family, family's always good. blessed in a way i guess =/) while trying to de-stress by spending money compulsively and watching horrid gory movies of slitting throats to make meat pies from human meat. yumms.

i should be standing in Nick Cassidy's place - on the ledge.

oh gawd, let this be over.

reaching greater heights

"this record is inspired by something that is really normal, and everyone's been through it, which is rubbish relationships"

- Adele, Grammy Awards, 2012 -

nothing reaches out better than broken hearts of fragile beings.

my gag.com

and the silly naive girl thought someone actually love her.

going through our chat archives made me realized i had totally forgotten how wonderful it was like having your closest friend like a sister to share every detailed ups and downs with. though miles apart, the care and love could truly be felt.

it has been more than 4 years not being able to seek solace and strength from you.

"there once was a little girl who never knew love until a boy broke her HEART"

-Megan Fox-

over promise, under deliver

if you're of worth something, words will have the same value to it.

but if you're worth nothing, words will only be mere words, they just mean the same - nothing.


you just start to unconsciously try to literally hold up your chest, as if to support your lung from collapsing onto your heart which was already striving to beat a normal rhythm..

here we go again.

time for a breath of fresh air!

it's time to end those meaningless nightmares.

somehow the balance of responsibilities between sexes had already been determined thousands of monkey donkey years ago. so when either one doesn't want to take the responsibility, then you're really, literally fucked up.

there's no one else to blame but yourself for making those fucked up decisions. you reap what you sow.

it's the 21st century, no woman cannot stand alone without these insignificant beings. assholes.

time to bring out that partying spirit!

fooled again.

>>please insert Fool Again by Westlife song now<<

you feel more cheated every time. yays!

Not Like The Movies - Katy Perry

=/

on bended knees

2011 didn't ended the right way it should be, for both Western and Chinese calendar years. all doors are shut closed now, without the slightest crack of light.

i really really really need this year to be a good one.

gasping for air

first day working with the news back in my head doesn't make things any less stressful.

I really need a reason to look forward in completing my daily task and then be assured that comfort and security is waiting for me to return home to.

so how am I going to cope now.

in need of assuring hugs to breakdown for a moment =(

sigh.

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bombshell

So, as I was having thoughts of finally updating on my relatively stress-free working life over here in kiasu land, I was thrown aback the very next working day with news of every newbie's/freshie's nightmare! i spoke thought too soon. =X

the moment my manager broke the news to me, i felt as if a few hundred thousand volts was jolted through my body from a taser or better put, like a traumatized hamster in shock from excessive terrorizing by kids in a pet store. like this,

the news? I'm now to man the fort.

well basically my department consist of the manager and mua, the executive. our total headcount doesn't exceed 300 so generally it is manageable. my manager apparently has a prior arrangement regarding her service in which she only needs to clock-in 30 hours per month. so I was actually left swimming in the baby pool half of the time ever since I started. she assisted me everyday in the beginning then as the days went by, my safety tube float and arm floats were slowly removed and was finally allowed to waddle around the kiddy pool as I like under supervision.

however in one months time (which only sums up to my 6th month of work!), I'll have to start swimming in the adults pool whether i like it or not. thank God my director/CEO understands that I'm still new, therefore he will not throw me in the sea to fend for myself. but still,

I.AM.IN.SHOCK.

it is my first ever full time job in a different country and in a totally different field. I've never ever studied a single page of any publications related to the Human Resource. not to mention the obvious that I'm all here alone. meh.

in times like these, my bitchy housemate would go by his three golden words, FYL (eff your life). now there goes plans of spending more time on baking, cooking and studying but most importantly, sleeeeeping. I now forsee myself doing overtime on a frequent basis due to my broader range of roles and responsibilities and double, triple checking of work done.

cos in the human resource field, you cannot afford to make any mistakes!

FML.

however, another way of seeing this situation would instead be a very good opportunity for me to grasp as much as I can to set a strong foundation for myself in hopes that this will eventually pave out a smooth stable career growth for me in the years to come! (*phew* that's a mouth-full!)

now this is the time when I have to pyscho myself into thinking I'm capable to handle it.
buckle up Amy! u're meant for big things!!! (i wonder why arent i better blessed with big assets then HAHAHA)

time to say goodbye to personal life and put it on hold (not like i really have one..) cos I cannot afford to handle stress in so many areas of my life. work stress is relevant and currently more than enough in my life.

all I'm left are these two humble adorable loves of my life to comfort me everynight when I sleep. ♥

sigh.

stress die me.

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last one standing

and still not worth.

torn, again.

cos love makes my world go round

So never mind I'll find someone like the both of you.

Sometimes it lasts in love, though most of the times it hurts instead,

me want me self a Joseph Vincent!

ka chinggg!

three times in a row.

jackpot!!!

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Breathe, Amy!

just breathe.

it ached for some reasons I cannot explain.

the year of the dragon will be better.

=)

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commitments

time to make 'em than to wait and accomodate empty vessels.

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Reality Check

it's not even worth RM 371. SGD 259 was obviously an overkill even without taking into consideration on all those underlying costs.

money makes the world go round.

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Acceptance.

may it be for or against you, you can never turn back time or live in denial but instead, learn to embrace it and live with it in acceptance.

I'm still struggling with it. definitely not my forte.

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Amy in Fairytale Land.

and so, the nightmare begins.

sigh.

all i want for Christmas...

after watching Xia Xue's new youtube vid,

I HAVE DECIDED,

i will adopt the cutest adorable baby Husky or a Holland Lop bunny to be my companion ♥

a commitment that will definitely fill my heart with warmth and joy!