i'm writing you a note.

it's nice receiving news about someones marriage, how sweet your friend's boyfriend are treating them or how loving seeing an old couple strolling down the park hand in hand. but at the same time it's heartbreaking knowing that i'm not that fortunate enough, just yet.

whereas it feels so scary hearing news about how all kinds of problems start to arise when they just started to continue on with their chapters as husband and wife.

it makes my heart beat in confusion and fear.

but i guess sometimes it's just that leap of faith you'll have to take.


Love the Way You Lie - Eminem ft. Rihanna

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind at his back
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down
Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set this house on fire

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

he still remembered how it was that night.
i still didn't move,
i still hadn't change,
i still stayed the same =(

as when i was, 4 years ago.

Shontelle - Impossible

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love is worst
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know

And know when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible!
Ooh impossible (yeah yeah)

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did...

aint they pweety? i remembered your words. ♥

so much to update on!

but now since everyone's all footie crazy, i'll have my pick on GERMANY! the reason being? cos got a lot of 'entau bahS'! *grin*

till then,

she needs to do what she thinks is impossible and accepts that some things are just impossible.

The big baby still cries.

But you have no idea how relieving it is.

it hurts ='(

but it's time to tend to my brownies.

updates, soon.

i'm drained. so so drained, both physically and mentally.

i've so much to tell but the long term exposure to changing numbers in traffic light-like colours and cold air somewhat dried my brains.

while some things cant possibly be put into words.

another weekend's here. a busy one this time.

like and dont like it.

urgh.

some people are just irritating as hell, worse than a hangnail, more than an enormous pain in the ass and definitely more annoying than the endless sound of vuvuzelas!


i'm not interested, I Am Not Interested, I AM NOT INTERESTED AT ALL!!!


this level of annoyance and determination is not cute or at any point considered sweet at all.

i.only.see.desperation.

PUI!


on another note, i just found something that i never knew i had, or at least, forgotten about - an audio cd for the singing competition back in form 6. which apparently starts off with the karaoke version of Mandy Moore's Only Hope followed by Marina McBride's My Valentine, N'Sync's God Must Have Spent A Little More Time and then a whole bunch of classic love songs from the 90's and the early Y2k. the ones which i would have 'em in my dearest iPod shuffle baby when it was still alive =(

talk about how fast time flies, and that scares me.

keep going

like running the 1500m event. you start off at a steady fast pace, making sure you get a good start cos it's going to be a long run. it's crucial to keep going and maintaining the pace but after a few rounds, your legs start to feel wobbly and tired. you feel drained as you look ahead, pushing yourself very hard to lift your legs one after another, making each step nearer to the finishing line which still isn't in sight. as much as you feel like stopping and giving up, you know you cant. everyone has their hopes up high for you; your trainer, your parents, your friends and most importantly, yourself.

it takes time and work to create success. even the seven wonders of the world weren't built in a day, a month or a year.



now i know how she felt.

Roses

i cant help but to re-post this from Elaine's blog.

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine", like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day.
My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know.
The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance.

There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago.

Then, should ever I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome.

I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife.

You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years.

When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still.

Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock.

He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again.

='(

♥

Sometimes you just want to go back to crying all day long but u know you can't, cos you're stronger than that.

It's a Sunday morning. Let's make it a meaningful one alright?

=)

the bells are ringing

today is by far the most boring day at work! that's the downside of working at an investment bank.. when there's not much trading activity since it's the school holidays now and with the world cup around the corner, there's nothing much to do! because of that, i got pranked by my colleagues >.<>i guess it's not easy to go through years of ups and downs with a particular person, sharing all your life experience growing together as an entity. it's a blessing to be able to make it through and bring the relationship to the next level.

*melts*


Jim Brickman & Tara MacLean - You

I never felt alone
I was happy on my own
And who would ever know there was something missing
I guess I didn't see the possibility
It was waiting all the time
But it never crossed my mind
Till you opened up my eyes
Now all I think about is

You in my life
In my dreams
In my heart I know it's true
That I belong with you
Because of you in my world
In my arms
I have everything and now
I can't imagine what I'd do
Without you

I never thought that love could be
Such a curiosity
But what attracted you to me
Was so unexpected
But it was waiting all the time
And it never crossed my mind
Until you opened up my eyes
Now all I think about is

In my life
In my dreams
In my heart I know it's true
That I belong with you
Because of you in my world
In my arms
I have everything and now
I can't imagine what I'd do
I can't imagine what I'd do
Without you
Without you

maybe just these days.

it'll be better =)

give time, time.

living in a nutshell

last monday had been.. well, eventful? i somewhat experienced a summary of the past 10 years of my life in a day.

to be honest, the day didnt started out well. instead, it started out with the worse point of my life. i was woken up at 7-ish in the morning by a phone call from yen, asking if i had received ming's messages but i was too tired the night before to actually realise that ming did sent 2 messages around 2am. the moment i read her messages, i knew something was not right with the first thought in my head - death. millions of flashbacks and thoughts then came rushing to my head. i couldnt function. i just laid down and kept telling myself that it isnt anything serious as i waited for a reply from ming. but deep down at the back of my head, i was somehow convinced that it was news about someones death. ming then confirmed that Noorhasmida, aka bulat passed away in an accident. another accident. flashbacks kept running through my head, like a playback of a recorded video, of the very first moment to the very last hour of the tormenting week of Nian's passing.

Ming, Yen and i then went to the funeral the morning itself. walking in to see her face for the last time was horrible. every step i took as we approached her coffin reminded me of that every step sonia, jien ann and i took as we draw near to Nian's house with our hands held tightly to each others. that heavy hurting feeling in the heart, as if someone had my heart squeezed up like a stress ball, came back again. we didnt stay long and headed to stock on baking needs after dropping yen at MBS. i needed something to take my mind off things. what else better than to do the things that you love?

so i finally bought my green tea powder but ended up baking brownies and dipping strawberries in chocolate, aside from making the green tea konnyaku jellies all in one afternoon. i know.. crazy.. sometimes i just need some pushing to get me going.. baking, sewing, surprises and all used to be for love. now, baking is a passion and also for, business ;)

after the non-stop hustle bustle in the kitchen, it was time to head up to the apartment to get ready for the steamboat gathering of the sixth formers. it was a bit disappointing at first having to prepare for the gathering alone, like a hired organizer. =/ but thankfully, numerous calls came in right on time, offering a hand or two. grocery shopping had never been this entertaining, random and fun. it reminded me on what i love about attending form 6, the endless fun and great company. an initial plan of a steamboat party ended up into a steamboat AND deep fried party. the girls were preparing the food for the steamboat while the boys were testing out their deep-frying skills. for one moment, it was as if i was organizing a "kitchen for dummies" session. lols

foooood

brownieeee

yen & i with the green tea jellies

a group photo for the record

the jellies werent a big hit though.. hmm. i'd say green tea is also another acquired taste. not many actually enjoy it.. but me likey it =) it actually didnt turn out like the kind i had at a japanese restaurant.. that one was amaaazing..

after food was the usual gambling session for the boys and pillow talks for the girls ♥ though the girls only consisted of yen, gini and i, we did a lot of catching up and talking about the good ol' days back in MGS. when stories from different sides were finally told and all sorts of gossips! and most importantly, about my favourite "subject" throughout high school *grins* those were the days ^^

on another note, i've been putting some thought on my baking.. how to put it to good use to fund for my shopping sprees and pampering.. lol and with encouragement and suggestions from yen, i think i'm going to start small, taking it as a part time thingy for the mean time.. so watch out for it on fb alrite =)

they called it, "Amy's G-spot Brownies" hahaaa

made with ♥

cos, it's just complicated.

"Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn't make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more."

the most disconnected ramblings, ever.

i am too easily affected by other people's emotions.

but at least i know, i aint the only one.

he goes through it, i go through it, everyone goes through it.

it seems so much easier to just get on with the next best thing which you think is right.

but it doesnt change the fact, just merely hiding it from sight.

out of sight, out of mind.

someone once told me, sometimes you just have to create a lie to make yourself feel better.

i take mine to the extreme.

i rather deal with death.

i've successfully fabricated the lie into my reality.

i want to hop on the next flight to Melbourne.

would you join me?

so you wont be miles away from her while i wont be from him.

妹,

i dreamt of you the other day and woke up in tears.

it reminded me how much it hurts knowing that you're gone.

another year not being able to celebrate our birthdays together.

i still miss you to bits.

姐

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.


i *hearts* music =)

i miss you mei.

it still hurts, badly.

the pain is still there.

i'm changing and it's scaring me. and because of that, i'm stressed and depressed. shoot.

update soon.

updated:

is it me or i'm really becoming more patient? i must agree that humans are easily influenced. somehow or rather, some people are able to bring out the best or worse in you. it just happens. i'm being pretty nice recently, back to the amy that lets people push her around and sometimes lets them perform their little rain dance on her head as well. but this time around, it doesnt frustrates me at all. which in turn, scares me. there were a number of incidents which occurred throughout the past weeks of which i'm very sure that would have pissed me off but it didnt. instead, it didnt bother me the slightest bit or even at most, 3 minutes of frustration and that's it. very weird. but at times, i think the stress builds up unconsciously till the point that tears just starts to form in my eyes for no apparent reason!

what is wrong with me? =/

i want to go home. i want to just hug my dear garfield and have a good cry.

fresh apple juice with sour plums ('sem bui'). cant beat the one at rangoon road though. =)

Season 2 Episode 10

"If i could take back what happened last year, I would. I think about it every single day."

Liam Court, 90210

"The truth is, I'm still hung up on someone else, someone I thought I was over."

Naomi Clarke, 90210

so much drama i can relate to. but still, liking it. lols

yet, there's no such simple and easy thing as 'kiss and make up'. pfftt..

Samsons - Kenangan Terindah

Aku yang lemah tanpamu

Aku yang rentan karena

Cinta yang tlah hilang darimu

Yang mampu menyanjungku

Selama mata terbuka

Sampai jantung tak berdetak

Selama itu pun

Aku mampu tuk mengenangmu

Darimu, kutemukan hidupku

Bagiku, kau lah cinta sejati

Bila yang tertulis untukku

Adalah yang terbaik untukmu

Kan kujadikan kau kenangan

Yang terindah dalam hidupku

Namun takkan mudah bagiku

Meninggalkan jejak hidupku

Yang telah terukir abadi

Sebagai kenangan yang terindah

♥